Among the Shadows

I spent my whole life until now within the walls of the church.

I don't regret leaving,

I am glad to have gone,

though, I find my relationships outside of church,

much more fulfilling as of late.

I have not renounced my faith at all,

but just question the actions and speech of others who profess the same as me,

often witnessing the hypocritical side of Chrisitanity.

I am embarrassed to call myself Christian.

I tell people, that I have faith in God, Pray and watch stuff happen.

That's it.

No religion, not set of rules or judgements...

It's become personal more than anything.

One thing I appreciate about the things I have learned, is the evidence of good and evil, of angelic forces and of the demonic.

It is clearly visible to me because I have seen it in my life often and when you expose yourself to learning of how these forces operate in everyday life, and see how others simply overlook it or do not beleive.....I must tell you that it is still there....

whether you choose to see it or not.

Plain and simple, like the shadow that follows you in the sunlight.

Since moving out here, I have seen it more than ever.

There is a spirit of peace on some folk that I have met,

but a particular group has shown me a spirit of division,

of anger,

of hatred.

Every morning when I skip rope and then walk the perimeter of my yard, I declare the boundaries within my reach and state that no evil force will negatively effect our lives,

will come in and attempt to deplete our relationship,

our household,

and our family of what it values.

I have spoken that no force will come over here and dictate to me "How things are done out here" and it is amazing the transformation that has occurred.

People phone now before they arrive, and when people need to get to parts of our land where they would normally go through our yard....they now use the fences outside of the perimeter of our yard....

Situations arose now where we don't need people to care for our pets and enter our home while we're away... the level of security has physically changed.

The forces have shown their rejection of me and who I am...but I have stood my ground and the negative issues keep their distance,

their comments cannot upset me,

and they are disturbed when my simple responses in kindness do not stir up a fight.

They simply get more frustrated that I won't stoop to their level of anger,

or control,

or loudness....

When they come here they try to control me or my husband,

but boundaries are quickly re itterated and they leave in defeat...

they have no clue the negative foces that control them,

that tell them they can manipulate,

control,

dictate,

force...

we do not value those things....

they come here and judge,

point fingers,

yell at whomever is available,

and we sit quiet and content... they respond with,

"well, don't you think you should do, or you should be....."

We do not need to control or dictate or rule,

we simply state the boundary and when it doesn't permit them to walk all over us,

they eventually leave...

Outside of my fence....things are simply not right....something is definitely weird,

or odd,

or distinctly evil,

controlling,

manipulative....

but I don't respond to their pressures...

thankfully they respond to my influences that strip them of their power.

I am thankful to have met a handful of virtuous people,

who are scincere,

who are genuine,

who do not judge,

who do not attempt to control me or others that come by here.

The declarations made around my property have kept the evil ones at bay....

my land has become a place surrounded by an army of angels, who can see the enemy from afar off and push them further back.

Their shadows no longer tread here.

For I have declared this land my land, set apart, and separate...

A city on a hill, for people to marvel at

and cause inner wonder...

They don't get it...

nor do I think they ever will.

Thanks "T",

for clarifying the things that I suspected,

thanks for reitterating what I beleived to be true without even telling you,

you saw it as well,

you sensed it...

But I live here now....and what we say goes.

This is how we do things out here.....

My Wedding Blues

My husband and I decided to elope.

We didn't want all the fuss of people telling us who to invite and where to host and all the crap that goes on with planning a wedding!

Well...turns out their all pissed anyway...

One portion of people have decided that we've screwed up somehow by not involving them in our lives.

Some are quite offended, few could care less..

We decided to marry for us...not for the enjoyment of the world.

But of the handful that we thought would be happy for us...

the party numbers had dwindled considerably.

We know that if we were to host something regardless, the party poopers would show up out of obligation and still be party poopers....

and if we decided to cut them from the list the fuss would just get worse.

So, alas,

I will not celebrate my wedding with you.

As much as I wanted everyone to meet everyone,

it is in your best interest not to.

Thanks for all your congratulations and for those who sent us the abundance of money gifts..

we love you and adore you and are glad you were able to celebrate with us in this manner!!!

It's not what I wanted but it will have to do.

We were hoping to introduce my world to his...

but instead,

my friends wil be mine

and his will belong to him.

I am greatful for the ones that still tag along in my life,

who are full

of discretion,

character,

integrity,

boldness,

love,

spirit,

honesty,

and faith,

with you, I celebrate in my heart.

The Garage

Today, Tim and I, moved over his tools from his dad's garage.

Finally ours is built and now organization can finally begin.

I was taken back to when my dad built his garage. we were so sad because we had lost our back yard...but dad now had a place to keep the cars out of the snow.

I spent a lot of time in dad's garage while he worked on his car. I love the smells of motor oil and such... the clanging of tools in his tool box and power that sounded from all of his equipment.

Tim enjoyed re-sorting his tool boxes, I re-marveled at my compound mitre saw and the brad nailer that tim bought me for mother's day, I bought him an even bigger nailer for father's day.

We thought it pretty cool thet we're both into tools.

Tim has a wet saw for tiles, and hopefully I will be able to score dad's router and drill press if mom will ever let me have them.

Next on the list of purchases is a table saw and a storage locker for all of my painting equipment and ladder systems.

While sorting things out, Miss American Pie came on the radio. I stopped, knowing that was mine and dad's song. It was released the year I was born.

I felt that dad had stopped by for a visit to see how things were going in the garage...

I was glad to have his presence there..

I hear that song nearly everyday....

I miss you dad.

Plain Jane Cruisin'

"Where are we going, Jane?"

I was driving to the city to pick up a few items for work.

I glanced in the mirror at the librarians in the rear seat.

They whispered to each other, peering at me and nodding.

"Are you speeding, Jane? You should slow down!"

" A sherriff might catch you when you least expect it!"

I glanced down at my spedometer and reduced the pressure on my foot pedal, setting the cruise control in place so I would behave.

The ladies in the rear seem to speak to me a lot more when I'm in the car.

They know I hate to drive.

"Jane, how long did you say you've been driving?"

"Two Years," I tell them.

Again they whisper, looking at me, scowling, as if unimpressed.

I wanted to pull over and let them out.

"Do you really think you should be speeding if you're just a new driver, Jane?"

I'm not a new driver.

I have driven since I was 10 years old till I was 14.

After that,

I chose not to drive,

I became a cyclist.

My father was a drunk.

I spent years behind the wheel, and further yet , behind my father as I reached over his shoulders to guide the steering wheel.

"Dad, It's just like coloring, Just stay inside the lines."

I reminded him of this every night on our way home from the city.

Still it makes me sick to my stomach.

I couldn't sleep for many nights during those young years...

re-living the pictures in my mind of other drivers we nearly hit,

and deer that ran in front or near the car

...and I was no where near the brakes.

I used to teach pre school...

and parents would tell their children to color within the lines...

Instantly I was taken back to driving dad's car at age 10.

I hated that....

I go to my art class and the other artists there ask me how I manage to paint without a picture to guide me.....

I tell them, "Just stay outside the lines."

I hate driving at night

....because all I see are those lines and the lights coming towards me.

"Jane, That's not where you put your hands on the wheel."

"Jane, use your mirrors more!"

The constant badgering reminds me of telling dad what to do...never once realizing how much pressure was on the gas.

I'm content with the cruise control set to a safe, and guidelined speed.

Now I wish those women would just be quiet!

But I hold my tongue and speak in my head to myself,

"Just shut up and Drive, Jane...

Just shut up and drive."

By Association Only

I write by association..

I see reflection of myself in anything,

like the mirrored pillars at the mall.

Sometimes we do not like what we see,

as it reminds us of a part of us that we used to fight with or be fearful of.

More than anything it's the feelings I associate with those things.

Knowing full well that they are my feelings and not because of the other person place or situation

They are only connected through the association of that memory.

My feelings are my own. If I am happy it is because I choose it,

same with being angry ,

mad,

or even offended. they are my feelings, not anyone else's..

Nor is anyone to blame for how I feel. I choose to be frustrated, I choose to be angry, I choose the dirupted feelings...

No one else is to blame for it.

A lot of people will not travel your journey, or get to knwo you, But first impressions will determine a lot of things.

You are not to blame for how that will make me feel, or react...

those are my choices.

Nor do I care how you walk your walk or talk your talk..

but when it reminds me of me,

or a portion of who I am or who I was...

it has no bearing on you...

My feelings and emotions redirect me ...

back to me...

happy or sad....

dissapointed or mad....

Like watching a movie that makes us cry or brings us fears relived...

that's what it's like to Associate...

to write by association,

things inside of me get stirred up and take me back to a movie in my mind of some part of my life,

and for a moment I relive it.

sometimes, sadly, or gladly, sometimes nervously, or even uncomfortably.

I have a right to my feelings, and associations. they are not blame or pointing fingers. I know full well that pointing one forward means three fingers point back at me..

and that is how I write...

by assoiciation...

referencing the three pointing at me...

Me, Myself, And I.

Remember that parts of who you are ,

can be a mirror of someone else who walks into your life,

you cannot change them or judge them....

you can only change yourself.

You can't control what they say or do...but you can change how you feel.

Your feelings are yours, and not the result of someone else.

if you cannot change your feelings. then only you are responsible.

picasso brain

My day sometimes feels like like I have too much going on and I cannot compute.

Like picasso brain, placing things here and there

....where things do not belong.

I frustrate myself with the ability of trying to figure out where I put something,

mid-transit, while disturbed by something else out of place.

My schedule has been bombarded with appointments.

The only order in my life as of late....

Not sure how this happened after the last 10 years of order that I demanded from myself.

The abrupt changes of being mom and wife, full time, have ultimately put me in a tail spin.

Culture shock!

Like being in a japanese airport and I cannot read the signs.

I stand in my kitchen staring...

at nothing,

trying to retrace my steps,

wishing there were an attendant to help me at times.

I go for the coffee that's been beeping at me for the last hour,

since reheating it in the microwave.

I give it another 30 seconds in the "ZAP".

I'll probably collect it in another 30 minutes.

Tomorrow is saturday.

No appointments...

...Just rain and snow...(In June?)

and laundry and cleaning, and sorting out my closet.

Bringing order until monday when it all begins again, and like Picasso, paint a new picture of home life,

Still Life,

My life....

And what will come of next week.

I had best check my schedule.

Jekyl & Hyde

A good friend once told me of the "Jekyl & Hyde" transformation on my life.

She stated it was such a difference from the person she met when I was first married.

I was such a bitch to my husband, a retrictive mother to my little daughter.

I nagged,

I swore,

I told him what to do all the time,

I told him what to wear,

and I de-masculated him in front of everyone.

I had no regard at all.

No respect for him.

I never let him go anywhere and if he did I didn't let him go very long.

I never let my child be curious and learn of the things exposed to other people's lives.

I always said no and she listened without fighting back.

Well My husband one day walked out...

Dissappeared...

After nine months I found him living with another woman.

My daughter is reaching her teens and my restrictiveness has made her lazy and sometimes forgetful...becuase I always took care of whatever in the end....

I took for granted the things that were closest to me....

And somehow I lost them.

Yesterday I saw my old self again...But it wasn't me...It was a woman who stopped by my house.

She never let her children be curious in my house,

She looked so uncomfortable here.

Her children would ask me a question and their mother would immediately snap a "No" at them.

I ultimately let her have the final say for them...as I did years ago.

Then when the men came in, she yelled at her husband about his clothing.. and when he commented she just shut him down and told him to say thankyou...

He immediately followed suit, making her big large tall husband look like one of her cowering children.

I felt sorry for him...and my husband shivered at his friend's reaction.

The stay lasted 20 minutes...and I was glad...becuase I did not like hosting my old self.

Her demeanor makes her a bitter, angry woman...

The first rule, hanging on the wall in my house ,when you walk in the door says, "Absolutley No Naggin'"

The bible says: "Better to live on a corner of a rooftop than to live with a quarrelsome wife."

It also says, " A contentious woman is like a dripping faucet."

I will be the first to say that the old me was a dripping faucet, a wailing window, a clanging pipe, and a bad refrigerator motor.

There is a famous writing that speaks of how to be a virtuous woman....

She is far from perfection, but she shows regard for her husband & her family, and through it all, ultimately for herself by acting so.

It Speaks as follows,

"A wife of noble character, who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good and not harm, all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax and works hard with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is dark, and prepares food for her family

and portions for those her bless her.

She considers opportunities and purchases them,

out of her earnings, she produces more.

She sets out her work vigorously; her arms strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hand to the needy, When it snows, she has no fear for her family, for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for their beds, and she is clothed as royalty.

Her husband is deeply repected in the city where he takes his seat among leaders of the land.

She maken linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with supplies.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at days to come.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful, but gentle, wisdom is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise and call her blessed,

Her Husband also, and he praises her saying,

"Many women do noble things, but you have surpassd them all."

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise where ever she goes."

Years ago,

I saw how different I was from this writing,

my husband did not praise me,

because I did not bring him respect,

I only yelled,and argued,

I was bitter, and unthankful,

disrepectful and terribly bitchy!!!

My visitor did not even congradulate us on our wedding, or on anything else.

She was so focused on herself that she could not see past the Chaos of her own thinking.

I know this because I was her long ago...

But that's okay...her husband made up for her, with many thanks, and a handshake, and for a few gifts that we had passed onto them.

Someday...she'll hopefully see what she takes for granted.

I'm glad the old Cheryle no longer exists...but I'm sad to see the Jekyl & Hyde appearance that present itself in those we meet.

The antidote is out there.

But it's deep within ourselves...

and only we can find it

...no one else.