Baby Jane

While wandering the mall, I am most instantly drawn to the tiny clothing of boys. The safari style shirts, and little rain coats covered in frogs.

My fingers graze the items on hangers incessantly,longing to hold a little one again.

"Jane...what are you doing?"

I immediately let go and turn in another direction.

"Jane...remember what happened last time!

Baby Blues,

Gaining all that weight...

and surgery...

Oh God, How awful."

"I remember." I say out loud. the lady next to me turns to see who I am speaking too and sees no one. She turns giving me a strange look.

"I remember having one of these before loaning it to a good friend who didn't return it." I smiled at the woman, hoping to clear my moment of insanity.

She smiled back, turning into the next isle.

"Jane do you really want to go down that path again?"

The Librarians were good at keeping me on track in some respects.

This issue I have never teetered on though, until lately.

"Jane, do you really want another teen ager when your 60 -something?"

"Yes, Jane,

and you still haven't lost all that weight from the last one

and it's been 13 years since then."

I was thankful there were no mirrors in the children's section. Everyday at home was a reminder of how I struggle with losing that weight.

A lot of it was being in a relationship where I was unloved,

I constantly hear and re-play the things said to me about how I looked to my husband at the time.

Even though he's gone, the comments linger, they float back to my ears now and again.

"Jane. You don't enjoy parenting...

Why would you want to do it again? With a boy, nonetheless?"

I didn't know how to respond.

for so long I had said in my single parent years, that I wanted 3 or 4 more children..

.....now I find myself wanting none of them.

"What are you going to do, Jane?"

"Yes Jane, What now?"

For the first time in a long time, I did not know what to say or feel. To give the librarians the satisfation of them being right, was mind altering for me.

Mentally, I could not find the way out.

Am I being selfish?

What would my husband say?

Can I not grow old happy with only one adult child?

Years ago, a bus driver with City Transit asked me if I would have more.

He cautioned me to not just have one....for it was too much to have her

clean up the mess of an elder parent who was ill or deceased..

that the duties should be shared by siblings.

"Jane, Just think of the freedom you almost have."

"Jane, She's almost out of the house!"

I turn out of the children's wear and search for purses.

A few years from now I'll have money to burn and nothing to hold it in when I have no children to spend it on.

I better make it a big one!

Bah Fucking Humbug!!

I remember , as a child, playing over and over, the song of Oscar the grouch saying how much "I hate Christmas!"

Now I am an adult and I can't stress it enough.

I do hate Christmas.

I enjoy it if it doesn't involve any particular pressured family activity, having to live up to my sister's ideas and plans every year of how it should be. It's always the way she wants it.

After 15 years of never having birthday remembered or acknowledged, mother's day never a big "to-do", anniversaries not matter and Valentines virtually non-existent....to have them suddenly appear on my calendar....I could care less.

My senses have been dulled to these manditory holidays.... and if I could just avoid the malls enough, I wouldn't have to see all the decorations for Thanksgiving, for Easter, for mother's day and father's day......and all the rest....

Just seeing them all reminds me of the feeling of an old boyfriend walking into the room with an New beautiful girlfriend.

And people wonder why I don't like to shop.

My sister says, ."....Well, I love Christmas."

Of course she does...it adds to her "perfect" life of getting flowers and cards, and having the perfect wedding, perfect husband, and having perfect teeth,being the perfect host, and having the perfect job, and the perfect Mother in Law, being the perfect daughter and the perfect dream life.....and always having on hand, the perfect bandaid for everything that goes wrong.....so it can be all better.

Watching and listening to her side of life is like standing in a room where your ex-boyfriend walks in with something always better, always wonderful, always perfect, and she smiles with her perfect teeth while you fade into the paint on the walls. He shows off without realizing you're there. His eyes are stuck on the sight of her....and so are yours....because the new girlfriend is so perfect.

You watch them laugh, and kiss, and you wish sometimes you could pluck your eyes out!...or theirs!

She doesn't know what I've experienced for 15 years regarding holidays.

She has no clue of the things I never told her.

She Loves Christmas........ Then she can have it! It will be perfect anyway.....even without me.

.......Cuz she'll have a band-aid for that too.

I'm slightly Scroogie....

But I Love lights, and candles , wreaths covered in snow, Pointsettias, Nutcracker statues, Silver reindeer, and peppermint candies by the bowlfull.

I will go tobagganing, and hicking through the woods hanging birdseed bagels for the birds on big red ribbons........

No Santa here.....

Just Scroogie and her family....opening stockings and floating in the hot pools at Radium.

Just before Christmas, I will buy myself an Oor Wullie or a Broons book and a gift certificate for Second Cup....The things that dad knew I loved, more than him getting me my white roller skates or my a.m. transistor radio.

Blessings

lately, people have walked through my door wishing to bless me.

Today for instance, I had a client come in telling me that she looked forward to getting her nails done simply for my encouraging hopeful words.

That blessed me beyond measure.

In a world where people don't care to listen....I loved listening to her today..

She has been through much struggle, we share a similar life pattern in some respects. I have been where she's been and she has walked my journey , too. It was great to connect on such a level of comparison while both of us trying to pull each other out of th pits we once stood in.

Nan, You blessed me today..

YOur stories always inspire me to beleive more. I am so glad you and I go to the same section of the library....I find remnants of you there all the time, leaving behind a book I should be reading.

Thanks again.

You made my day!

Justification

Aggghhhhh!!!

For how long will people justify everything.....if you are guilty of something....then admit to it and carry on, either repair the relationship or end it...

Why do you always have to go into a tug-o-war with "he said...She said" crap!!!!!

Good Lord, People. Set some boundaries, and live by them.

I don't want to hear your reasons...just walk it out. stay true to yourself and your values, and what you beleive in.

I don't care who said what about you....I'll listen if you need me too....

But if what they said wasn't true then move on and beleive the truth in your heart. Believe in yourself for once and become all that you were meant to be....

Don't let everyone else drag you down.

Only you can decide who you are.

Only you can create yourself...and only you can destroy yourself by believing what others think of you.

Believe in you!

Believe in what you know to be true of you!

Bullies Beware!

Bullies.

They're everywhere.

In your children's school,

in your workplace,

On TV, the internet,

even on your cell phone.

Who would've guessed they would be buddies with those who mean most to you.

they talk to you most evil,

But pleasant to their face.

They have the balls to bombard you on facebook,

but not to your face.

It's sad.

Too bad!

I don't care.....

because I have a zero tolerance policy.

i'm not mad....

just dissappointed.

Wishbones

As of late I seem to be in a bit of a tug of war.

Nothing major...

about as minor as two children pulling at a wish bone after thanksgiving dinner.

I am torn between two loves.

They call to me every day and at the same time.

I relish the time when my husband and

daughter are away.

then I have time to spend in the throes of the others....

The love of reading...

and the love of writing....

They call to me endlessly.

And their screams for my attention,

appear, in my mind,

to reach decibels that are unbearable...

seemingly, as soon as my family comes in the door,

or when supper needs to be prepared.

My library calls to me,

the echoes repeating the portions that resonate deep within me.

Today, I have chosen a date with writing.

Something I have not done nearly enough.

Today I write. I have the right to write.

My writing has won the wishbone pull. The tug of war with reading.

I will write and you can read.

Enjoy!

And remember to take time

to date

your other

"True Loves".

Renovations

Life has taken a new turn for us.

....trying to now begin some substantial reno to the house.

We're in the planning and pricing stages at the moment

and trying to map out our winter season.

The basement is a priority,

and a greenhouse for next spring...

We're hoping to move Bree to the basement so she'll have her own space

to escape from the parents....

Budgets are being plotted and planned,

Oh, where to begin,

and at what cost,

The condo went fabulously fast...for just a few surface changes...

This will be so much more rewarding!!!!

I can't wait to see what timmy pulls out of his magic construction hat this time!!!


We are hoping to have a completely new looking house only 3 Christmases from now.

I cannot wait! It is the perfect Gift!!!