Wasted!

I woke up in a bed of debts today.
...heavily weighing me down as I bought gas for my car and the machine declined my card due to insufficient funds.
I am smart with money.....
the blanket of bankruptcy held me there.
...trapped by my ex-husband who left it for me to care for for the last 10 years with no reprieve.
....and still I pay.
I make good money,
I'm smart with money...
But when does it go away?
Like the winter snow and the chill in the air.
When does light break forth and I start to feel free?
When do the layers peel back and release me to live the life I was meant to live...
without Marc's past haunting me every month when the "balance is due"?
Today overwhelms me with Grief as I tear away the layers of my household.
Obsessively
Compulsively
removing the things from my house I haven't used in a year.
Such waste.
Wishing I could remove all that he left behind....and my working all to pay off his waste....

...what a waste....

Plain Jane Beautiful 3

"DO you really need to wear that stuff Jane?"

The voices in the mirror stared at me while I put on my make up.

I always struggled with red hair,

and freckles,

wishing I was someone else...

like those pretty girls I alway s saw in the hallways at school or in the mall.

I think it was mandatory that all red heads have an ugly childhood.....

"How will anyone see who you really are with all that makeup on, Jane?"

I don't wear much..just enough to hide the blotches of my fair skin and some mascara to bring out my eyes .

Don't they know that blonde eyelashes just make you look invisible?

I ignored them as I powdered my face removing the shine.

"Who are they to judge me?"

At school i started to blossom in grade 12...started to discover my beauty.

I came to terms with my red hair and the mole on my face.

I started to tell people it was my other nose.....just in case I needed one.

ALl of my self worth was wrapped up in that mole on my face...

my friends tell me they don't notice it...I still do...

I'm sure the mirror just ignores it...and so do I....

not bothering to ask it the infamous question of...

"....Who's the fairest of them all?"

"Jane you have fair skin."

"Why do you always have to compete, Jane?"

It wasn't competition...it was just to be visible...

to be someone and stay someone....

I continued to not comment. to see past them and apply some lipgloss to finish the look.

I'm not there anymore.

School has long passed me by...but the voices in the mirror still linger ...

trying to tell me who I am.

They're wrong.

I still hear them. but I have to choose when to listen...and to whom...

I look at them in the mirror and then past them to myself and smile.

Their eye's stunned and silent.

They see the difference.

and they wish they could be more like me somewhere deep down.

Polished,

Pretty,

Plain Jane,

...... Beautiful

With eyes and fair skin,

rosey cheeks and kissy lips.

"HAH!"

I laughed at them.....

And left.