Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
I sit here, invisible, reading my book in this hallway. Sharing my breathing space with that little black fly that ever seems to follow me.
Doctor's and nurses pass me by wih no hellos....
my world is quiet..yet noise rushes in one ear and out the other.
I read my gardening book, learning of root maggots and meal worms, insect's that devour and slugs that ruin everything...
The things that also appear nvisible at most times but are there nonetheless.
I am surrounded by bugs.
The fly passes me again. I swat at him.
He laughs and carries on as he has for years.
Funny....everyone seems to laugh when you're invisble.
They laugh with each other.
they laugh at a story, they laugh at a joke and then when you ask "What's so funny?"
they stop laughing....and talk over you like you were never there.
They don't even look at you.
The fly brushed my nose.....
did he not see me?
...or was he coming in for a closer look.
Still he laughs as I brush him away.
It doesn't matter that someone thinks your smart, or "Lovely" or that your hair is "fabulous".
It doesn't make you visible...not permanantly anyway.
I fade into the chair I'm seated in and allow the weeds from my gardening book grow up all around me.
I am comforted here....
maybe they will see me if I put on more lipgloss.
invisible but shiny....
I'll probably need a good weeding after this.
"WHERE'S MY LIP GLOSS???"
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
"It's nice to see you back to work with your shelving, Jane."
I pretended to smile as I struggled beneath the weight of books I held cradled in my arm. I had found all the volumes I had reluctantly left beneath my bed, after changing my room around.
"What are these, Jane? We've never seen these books before!"
I continued to shelve and reshelve, trying to remember their order for they had not been numbered except for in my memories.
"What are these titles? What do they mean?"
"Yes, Jane. Who are they?"
I wasn't sure what to tell them...knowing the criticism they often throw in my direction. These were books , chronicled by me, of friendships found and lost....and this shelf was thier graveyard. Each spine, a headstone in their memory. A collection of works, so rich, yet tales ending in tragic death.
Titles listed as, Pamela, Tracy, Jennifer, Rae-lynne, Nicole, Andrea, Michelle, , Paula, Sara, Tammy, Marc,Deborah, Noel,Stacy, The Ripplers, and Juanita. Each volume embossed with silver elephants, that when placed on the shelf next to each other it gave the illusion of tail linked to trunk.
"Why the elephants, Jane?"
"Aren't they Pretty?", I asked them?
I used to be the elphant. The obtrusive thing in the room that no one wanted to be around...the invisible elphant that everyone knew was there...but pretended wasn't. The one that took overbearing footsteps and intruded into people's lives without intentionally doing so....but everyone made it clear that I did....
Silver sometimes appears invisible, reflecting light and color, causing it to fade into it's surroundings.
That's what I did.
.....But now immortalized the former friends into the silver form of an elephant. Putting to death the endagered species of friendship. Causing them to fade in the shadows that surround them.
Life becomes quiet in an elephant graveyard.
Elephants will carry the bones of the deceased elephants for miles and miles, grieving their passing, leaving a long line of mourning, a pathway to healing, and the determination to move forward, still.
"Can we read them, Jane?"
"Not today....but, maybe someday , I will read them to you." .......I smiled , reassuringly.
"How exciting!" the librarians exclaimed, chattering about the mysteries encased within as they wandered back to their quarters.
In my heart, I have excavated too many of these cadavers....and my heart grieves...but their order, and their display remind me of something invested in, worthily.
I am saddened at the opportunity to stand in my own elephant graveyard, laying them out in a line, burying the bones of those who once lived in my life, in my heart, in my memory.
Today I leave their bones behind....annd stretch forth into the sun.
I place Juanita on the shelf. The latest of the collection. A deep breath passes from within me. Like lowering a casket into the ground as the preacher says," Amen."
And I turn and let her go.
"I am Jane....and I will begin again...."
Friday, March 7, 2008
...heavily weighing me down as I bought gas for my car and the machine declined my card due to insufficient funds.
I am smart with money.....
the blanket of bankruptcy held me there.
...trapped by my ex-husband who left it for me to care for for the last 10 years with no reprieve.
....and still I pay.
I make good money,
I'm smart with money...
But when does it go away?
Like the winter snow and the chill in the air.
When does light break forth and I start to feel free?
When do the layers peel back and release me to live the life I was meant to live...
without Marc's past haunting me every month when the "balance is due"?
Today overwhelms me with Grief as I tear away the layers of my household.
removing the things from my house I haven't used in a year.
Wishing I could remove all that he left behind....and my working all to pay off his waste....
...what a waste....
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
As much as I want to invest in the lives of others, I did not want to invest in this. Too many personalities, and pretences. I don't have the mental capacities to keep up.
I just wanted my hot coffee.
Later a soccer player comes in,
17 yrs old,
And it took 8 of us to hold her still while they injected her with something to anesthetize her long enough to do a scan of her head.
God, was she strong.
God, do I hurt.
God, why did I even buy a coffee this morning when it exists in another part of the hospital?
All this travelling from different departments.....My coffee has become foreign...possibly cold.
Police asked us to keep an eye on a young offender waiting to see the Psychiatrist.
Apparently he had 6 warrants for his arrest...and now we have to keep an eye on him so he doesn't run away....
All I asked myself was....am I ever going to be able to sit and just enjoy the rest of my coffee and read a bit from my book.
Everyone seemed to demand attention from me yesterday.
Even the most delightful taste of my coffee set between three rooms with volitile patients....i was becoming more volitile as it sat there getting cold...
Eventually while I was tending to something else...Housekeeping came by and found a cold coffee sitting there alone and dumped it down the drain thinking it had been abandoned....
My pockets were empty. I could not buy another....
....and it had English Toffee syrup in it.....I paid extra!
I came home exhausted.
Sat in the car for 4 minutes after shutting the engine down just to breathe. I looked over at my backpack and dreaded the burden of lifting it to my shoulder , should I ever decide to get out and go into the house.
But Surprise for me that day, The love of my life had come over, with pizza ordered and tulips for me.
The tulips I had always prayed for, the tulips I envisioned I would carry if someday I would marry.
White ones, with a bit of yellow ones and a hint of orange. I opened the paper and saw them and hugged them with my face deep inside the wrapper and smelled them....Breathing in.
My day at the hospital dissapeared then, as I sat to eat with the two I hold so close to me right now. My tulips set at the table where we eat (....minus a few because Tim wanted my daughter to have some for her room.)
and when it was all over, he still got up and kissed me for being such a good cook.
This morning...my tulips are awakening, more of them crawling out of the greenery to greet me.
...especially with my coffee....
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
"I'm being inspired."
Charcoal crumbs disappeared from my fingers as a drew a luminous figure on my wall.
Father always saw my talent but did not quite understand where it came from and why at such stupendous hours of the mornings.
"Jane you have school in the morning!"
"I know, Father. I am almost finished."
He closed my door after standing there in his old man underwear, awakened by the light from my room that spilled out into the hallway. I often imagined that it had snuck in under his door and tickled his nose to wake him. It always woke him.
I looked up at my figure, a faceless man in a toppled hat, that hid behind my door when it was open, but watched over me as I slept. He kept me company when I was was left to my own devices in my room.
I looked at my hands.....black with soot.
I wiped them on my shirt and went to bed. My mother would be mad at my laundry somewhere down the road. She always found paint or something there.
She came into my room and saw the figure behind the door
"Oh My Gad!"
My mother didn't like him.
"Where's his face , Jane?"
I drew it faintly because in essence he knew how I felt....how people looked at me...how I sometimes wanted to look at myself.
" It's there mother, You just have to picture it for yourself."
"Oh"....she stared and then commented that i had better clean my room before my father got home from work.
...Then she left.
Jane....She doesn't like me..." He said.
"She doesn't have to..... You belong to me anyway.....I like you. Is that not enough?"
"Why do I have to stay behind the door, Jane?"
I closed the door and gave him full access to my room.
I opened the curtains too.
"This is your place when I"m at school."
"You can have it."
"Mrs. Johnson won't let me draw you at school. She says you look evil..."
"SO I'm keeping you here and giving you more space than a piece of paper."
He stood over 6 feet tall, his hat slumped because of my ceiling, his back slouched to fit.
He smiled at me.
In my heart he had been given something, given life, a heart, character and he was full of questions...
He wasn't a voice in my head...he was someone that I created. fictional, yet real .
And I loved him....so he could love me back.....
because so many couldn't....
Much like me...created.... to be loved....Plain Jane, yet beautiful.
with a heart and character.
with so many questions.....
Despite the librarians in the mirror or the voices at school.
My mother painted over him years ago....but I still see him behind the door.
It's still his room while I'm gone.
"I've missed you, Jane."
" You look beautiful!"
I smiled at him.
His hat slumped....his smile wide.
"I am beautiful!"
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
So many of us function in this world as the sea does,
with Ebbs and flows of the waves of the working class,
the socialite mothers with their strollers and latte's,
jr high girls dressed the same , tressed the same, talking & walking the same.
Yet to experience actual wreckage on this sea of life as the world knows it is so messed up.
We dispose of our spouses and friends like we do the news paper, and driving to work has to be like microwaving your "minutes only " pasta dinner.
People want to kill themselves beacuase a doctor gives them a bad report and they don't want their family to suffer with them....be burdened.
Children murder their parents because they had a fight.
People freeze to death on the streets because it's -56 degrees out.
These things seems to disappear into the calendar , maybe strike a page in the newspaper. and then we toss it away.....
Like the note in the bottle tossed at sea...hoping someone will rescue them.....
Wrecked at sea.
I've been on that boat.
I've been wrecked.
I stood in the food bank lineup for an entire year...
I had sherriffs repossess everything I had .
My ex went bankrupt and left me with over $10,000 in monetary debts leaving me still paying it 10 years down the road.
My best friends since kindergarten ditched me when I told them I was pregnant....
I was yesterday's news
and my baby became a burden...
My pregnancy was lonely,
Until my daughter arrived.
her birthday a beautiful one and no-one to share it with.
Her father walked out when she was only 2.
Somedays she was the wind in my sails.
she kept me going.
telling me how to smile like her
and brushing my face with her tiny hand telling me that she would take care of me.
and so we sailed....
we met many passers by,
people who smiled but didn't say anything...
people who prayed and well wished us.....but never phoned.
and sometimes I lost her. not knowing what babysitter I had left her with...leaving me weeping on my doorstep asking God to remind me of who I gave her to for the night.
for years we sailed...many faces, and still no one stopped to stay...
or be our friends
Wrecked at sea...
No one payed attention.....
No one stopped to ask intently....
they asked how I was but did not care to hear my answers....
they say they miss you or pray for you
they think of you...but no one ever phones....
no one ever looks into your cupboards to see that you only have a block of cheese, some powdered milk in a jug, a large box of rice crispies and not enough peanut butter to last the week.
They didn't know that all I ate all day was water and the crusts she would not eat.
wrecked at sea.....
One day I docked into the north end of this city to talk and listen to a voice I had only heard through her husband's cell phone. and quickly... she saw the wreckage...and I saw hers...and we milled through it...still remembering each other and the children in the midst....
which everyone else forgot....
we built each other up... and then she set sail for manitoba....
But I hear her every day...and see her in the distance. never docking...just sailing...and she's coming back to me...her family too....
"Row, row Row your boat,
Gently down the stream....."
She has the man power. with faith as her rudder and 5 men in her life to do her bidding...because she is highly praised by them....to help her row in faith.
for here their wreckage has supplies and all of their needs met......and a place to dock and refuel.... and a friend....
Soon they will re-settle...and they will rejoice....and I with them...with her...and our children....
and will sing,....
"Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily,
Life is but a dream."
Wrecked at sea....
row your boat...
faith will guide you if you let it.
Look for the shore...
It is there.
......and there will be people waving you in....
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A day of order.
I bought a daytimer, through Franklin Covey...the people who help you develop those infamous, "7 Habits of highly effective people"
Walking around with a Franklin Covey daytimer...certainly makes you feel Highly effective...and I know that I am.
So I filled the boxes with my vast array of addresses and lists of Phone numbers, and busines cards.
But....I'll more than likely have to call Juanita and get her address again...because she knows what it's like to lose those little crumbs of paper with vital information on them.
Today I readied to paint someone's basement. trim and doors, walls......a quick bit of pocket money for me...and helped someone check the appropirate box in their day planner as their renos come to a close with my work.
Today my dear friend checked the appropriate box, after her father picked it up from the greyhound depot, filled with gifts and creations for her children and a game for their family and a ton of supplies for her down time in this middle of this cold winter blast.
Today I will check the appropriate box......(the dumpster outside...and get rid of some of the crap in my house that stands in the way of renos.....if not. I will book a ride to the landfill sometime next week....
Tonight's box consists of pizza...an easy supper...and then opening my boxes of card making supplies and relaxing with my daughter surrounded by her creativity and her eyes wide open as she sees the finished product.
In your to-do list today what boxes will you check off?
Which will wait for tomorrow or another day?
DO you know who marked you off on their list today?
Did you know that you hold an important place in the to do list of your best friend, your wife or husband, ...how about the "Big Guy " Upstairs?
His list always has room for you...and he checks the appropriate box next to your name everyday...sometimes you're too busy to notice....but he's there, while you pick out the appropriate outfit for the day, or set the appropriate dinner for your family, or watch the appropriate shows on TV. He's checked the appropriate box...
Because you are his priority, you need him and he needs you.
Slow down look at your lists...and pencil a check mark into the space where it says, "Slow down... Pray....ask for what you need.......have a coffee...do something for you....."
You are worth it.
For you.... For Him...the "Big Guy"...
And then everyone else will know too....
and all will fall into place........
your life will be highly effective......