Wednesday, July 4, 2012

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Friday, June 24, 2011

It Rains So They Don't See Me Cry

It's been really hard today.
I've lived here for almost 4 years...and still, there's no one.
No one to have coffee with,
no one to be my friend.
My daughter is being a teenage bitch and lately my husband can't even say anything nice to me.

I am so sad.... and disappointed.
I wish my dad never left.
I wish I was 20 again and I could start over.

I wish i could just cause all the things i dream about to come now.
I wish I was more than I am...
I wish I meant more to people.
I wish I had purpose...

I wish there was more to this life....
4 years out in the country......and no connections.
What's wrong with me?

How much longer?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Manifesto, Immediatae!!

It's interesting.. How I've progressed all these years.  It's like i've almost become magic.  I speak things and within days of the spoken form of it, it comes to pass.  It's as if I was King Midas, and everything I touch turns to gold.
For years I went to church and prayed my brains out...Yes, I saw many prayers answered but most of them were after much tears soiling my pillow, or me yelling into my washing machine as it filled with water.
As time passes, I see it in a different way.  How I spent years begging for the things I wanted or the things I needed, and yet they were always there for me, I did not have to beg,  I only had to speak and see it in my nearest future.As much as religion taught me of the deep crevass between me and the almighty God, my doubt and fear created the crevass between me and all that I desired.
Lately, my discoveries into faith have shown me that i do not have to beg God or become perfect like him...I only have to know that I am of him, a great source of power and if it all be true, that I am created in his image, thus equal in creative power, "Almighty-ness", if I dare, but all too often I have seen it come to pass in my life.
I am an extension of the source, or God, as many refer to it, he spoke and created and said it was all good, and now, I do the same.  I have seen it in material things, money amounts, and people and circumstances coming to me when needed.
I asked for $140,000 to pay off my mortgage and my reno loan, and within a few months it came with the sale of my condo, as well as a surplus to pay off other things.  a surplus of $97,000 to be exact, I asked for a double portion once, to set aside some debt ayment and some Money for my daughter's education,  and I was given $10,000 after my grandmother died and thenmy uncle handed me a second amount of the same to put away for my daughter.
I asked for a car, free of charge, low mileage and well maintained, and I got it, as well a holiday trailer of 24 ft , skinny bunks, and corner master bedroom.  and it came to us in a matter of days.  Currently, I drive  white Ford escort.  My husband recommended that I look into purchasing a 4x4 for the winter roads out here.  When he called the dealership to talk to whom we had purchased from before, he asked them to get back to us about any Ford escapes on the lot.  As My husband hung up, I said, "I hope they have a white one!"  10 minutes later the dealer called back and asked, "Does your wife like white?"
My life never ceases to amaze me, after tearing out parts of our basement I said to my husband how we should get a fooseball table to fill some empty space... he blew it off, but i continued to look in catalogues and flyers and show them to him... and still he blew it off.  Well, come christmas, my mother walked in the door with a family gift.....a fooseball table.

I am extremely greatful for the things I have learned, and aquired, and experienced.  To tell a story like no other, to have complete strangers call you blessed or charmed, or lucky or simply having a 4-leaf clover up my ass.  It's nice to be here.  and to watch it all happen nearly daily.  In the last week, I had been learning to just tell myself that money comes in as easy as the air I breathe, and just shortly afterward, I recieved a cheque for $157 as well as notification fromt he gov't that they reassessed my tax return from last year and owed me a whopping total of $503. 
It works, I cannot deny it.  A remarkable and power turn of events in my life since this discovery. 
I find it hard to go home, or back to church, because I have seen the goodness of God and no longer beleive the despairities and begging through prayer that they teach you.
  We are simply made in the image of God, he says to declare a thing and it shall be so, to speak and then beleive knowing that it , too shall come to pass, to ask, beleive and recieve...It's that simple folks, but you've made it into something that it isn't.... and thus you experience the lacklustre-ness of Religion, you do not walk the walk of faith or belief or trust.  You beg, and you cry praying, and you blame others for how they have hurt you....
 there is none of that where I walk now.... none.i speak it, and it comes to pass, my feelings are my own and no one can take them or effect them, my experiences are my own also...and no one can take them....
 and this world is filled with a vastness or generosity, of fullfillment, of prosperity, no one can take what you have desired from you.  Speak what you dream of and watch it come to you swiftly.  do not let others, distract you, or persuade you otherwise.  It is all there for you!  All of ti.  everything you have ever dreamed of,
No You are not materialistic, no you are not greedy, no you are not disillusioned....Life is supposed to be good for you....But you need to know that you are the only thing that holds yourself apart from it.
Your emotions are the key.  if you stay in hurt, or confusion, anger, or defeat, you cannot have those things which you desire....You simply cannot... those emotions create the crevass that separates you from all you were intended to be, do or have.
Let go, Move forward , toward your dreams, toward happiness, towards fullfilment of all of it.  as soon as tomorrow your entire life could change.!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Jane Created

I'm home alone today.

It's been a while since I've had this much alone time.

As a single parent I had 9 years of it.

I attempted some bead craft today but was slightly unsuccessful, I gave up.

I figure my writing can't miss.

The radio is blasting. I need that noise right now. sometimes being alone brings out the old voices in my head that I fight with.

NO , I'm not schizophrenic, nor do I have Multiple Personality Disorders, but we all fight with the memories, the conversations, prior, the movies we played a starring role in over the course of our lives.

I struggle with all of it sometimes, not sure how to chuck the tape out; so to speak.

Sometimes I wish I had the gift of amnesia...

but part of me fears that Alzheimers will set in instead.

I don't want that.

I've been working on my Jane book. A alternate character of me who fights with the voices in her head, the images that reflect in the mirror, and the drawings on her walls.

She sees life in everything while some of her world tries to strip it from her.

Her journals are a vast, abundant library of memories, experiences...and still they continue to be written.

Jane lives my life.

Sometimes I wish I lived hers.

At times she seems to have it all together, she has the right reactions , where , sometimes, I do not.

She is logical, and ultimately fulfilled.

each chapter bringing closure, where my real world cannot seem to connect with the end of certain circumstances.

I know I could probably sweep things under the carpet , or burn the journals....

but my fear is that Jane would cease to live.

Relationships with women have been difficult for me in the past....but right now, Jane is vital to my creativity. Through writing Jane's life, I can see deeper into mine, compartmentalize better, turn the page and begin tackling the next chapter.

Chuck the things not neccessary and then move on.

Yeah, It's been difficult, cleaning up the mess left behind by others, removing the dead bodies. The ones that don't matter anymore, those that have walked away, leaving their footprints all over your doormat.

Jane is not a doormat...

Neither am I.

I am a writer.

Alone time, is vital to my life, to my creative self.

It is the breath of Jane.....

My words have brought her life...

Like when God created the earth, he spoke and said "Be" and then he saw that it was good.

I am a writer.

I am Jane.

....and I am good.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Waiting Outside The Lines

Sometimes I picture my life,
with things swirling about me,
 called to a halt and I'm the only thing left with motion. 
 I reach out and touch the things that are within this whirlwind..
taking a confused glance at things,
yet trying from a different perspective. 

Today I feel like i am in a glass box.
  Limited . 
 Boundaries firmly in place.
  No windows or doors to allow me any escape.

Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world carries on,

I just sit in my house wondering what to clean up next.
I used to sit and knit.
but today, I will put my knitting away...
I need a purpose.
I need a reason.
I need to know how...and when, and where, and why........
....But What?

Who am I?
everyone else can give me an answer...but they don't sit right with me. 
Like a scarf you wear to add a bit of punch to your garment. 
..... and then you take it off. 
 It was never really you.
Just a scarf. 
Just some color.
Like an adjective.
or a post-it note stuck to the top of an assignment.

My ideas are blank....
or stuffed into  "File 13"....
somewhere unknown.

But what?
Who am I?

I look in the mirror and everything is blank. 
 I take the old lady face cream from the cabinet,
and fill the lines and cracks in my face.
Fill the gaps , in the meantime.

I best go clean the house, so I can sit by the window later and watch the snow fall.
I wish the me from the future would come and cheer me up.
I wish she would come and tell me all the things I would do someday.
Right now, my anticipation is so foggy...that I see nothing ahead of me.

At present, I close my eyes and imagine the lottery and stuff to do...because i cannot picture it any other way.  It is all i desire right now.

At least with money you can do stuff,
 go places,
 try or learn things.

For now, 
 I guess I'll do the dishes.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Wheat from the Tares

Separation, seems, now evident.....and friends are starting to emerge out of the woodwork.

....I am so looking forward to the newness of life emerging out here where I live.

I have given up the nail shop and will move forward in my efforts to be creative,

to craft,

and to write.

I cannot wait to discover the new successes which await me.

A great sifting has occured in my surroundings.

much like,

the sometimes,

sudden shift of fall.

This year it happened again.

What almost appeared to be a day of summer,

then a day of yellow branches,

to now ,

their death upon the ground ....

and we wait the blanket of Winter.

My life shifts as well..

.from being a popular small town business icon..

to being back at home,

cleaning house and crafting.

I will begin again.

Wake up each morning to write something.

Create life where things have fallen dead,

re-wake the words within me that desire to be printed.

Set a new schedule,


and a new boundary.....

and watch for my re-emergence like Springtime.

Success will blossom more full than previously thought!

I will write and create,

and move forward with it....

and create for me a new life,

a new name, a new success,

and a new income!

I will become what I was intended to be all along!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010


It seems,
as of late,
I wander through bits of debris.
Chaos and mess everywhere.
Brain shrapnel mostly..
pink and still breathing,
clinging to all that is life
within it's memory banks.
But I see memories scattered like shards of glass,
yet reading like shreds of newspaper.
I am desperate to read them, but they are hard to pick up.
Dangerous, actually.
I may cut myself in doing so.
I don't need any more wounds just yet....
I haven't healed up the old ones still.
These memories are mine.
Relationships torn,
things said,
reactions viewed
opinions forced,
Backs turned.
I look all around me,
and debris floats in the air around me looking for a place to settle...
Stuff I have forgotten,
yet i cannot control myself and pick things up and relive them
and open new wounds upon old wounds and feel them all over again...
my thoughts become a whirlwind,
I am enraptured in them all.