Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Waiting Outside The Lines

Sometimes I picture my life,
with things swirling about me,
 called to a halt and I'm the only thing left with motion. 
 I reach out and touch the things that are within this whirlwind..
taking a confused glance at things,
yet trying from a different perspective. 

Today I feel like i am in a glass box.
  Limited . 
 Boundaries firmly in place.
  No windows or doors to allow me any escape.

Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world carries on,

I just sit in my house wondering what to clean up next.
I used to sit and knit.
but today, I will put my knitting away...
I need a purpose.
I need a reason.
I need to know how...and when, and where, and why........
....But What?

Who am I?
everyone else can give me an answer...but they don't sit right with me. 
Like a scarf you wear to add a bit of punch to your garment. 
..... and then you take it off. 
 It was never really you.
Just a scarf. 
Just some color.
Like an adjective.
or a post-it note stuck to the top of an assignment.

My ideas are blank....
or stuffed into  "File 13"....
somewhere unknown.

But what?
Who am I?

I look in the mirror and everything is blank. 
 I take the old lady face cream from the cabinet,
and fill the lines and cracks in my face.
Fill the gaps , in the meantime.

I best go clean the house, so I can sit by the window later and watch the snow fall.
I wish the me from the future would come and cheer me up.
I wish she would come and tell me all the things I would do someday.
Right now, my anticipation is so foggy...that I see nothing ahead of me.

At present, I close my eyes and imagine the lottery and stuff to do...because i cannot picture it any other way.  It is all i desire right now.

At least with money you can do stuff,
 go places,
 try or learn things.

For now, 
 I guess I'll do the dishes.