amputation at the neck

Oh to be John the baptist , with my head on a platter and survive. Not possible...but it how I am feeling after visiting the hand clinic today. the doctor described to me the inside of my wrist if he had to cut it open and look inside to see what the issues were concerning my carpal tunnel. THE ISSUE IS PAIN!!!!
any way...now that I have a grossly image of the inner workings of all the bones, tendons and ligaments that go into grabbing things and pulling lids off of jars. I would rather amputate at the neck and just get it over with and removed from my body.

Today my hand is free from it's splint and I have doped up on pain killers and I await the blessed moment when I can actually pick something up without flinching.
my dishes are piled high and I knew that if My Juanita were here. she would sit me down with my coffee and do them for me...because she loves me and my dirty dishes.

Last night at work I sat with a co-worker. she's new and from the start she didn't like me for reasons I didn't understand. In the moment of both being off of our regular teams and in a different environment, we had a moment of sharing hearts and in the holiday questions of have you bought all your presents she shared with me how her boyfriend left her and opened up her own can of worms of control and jealousy and basically vomited out her inabilities to stay in a loving embrace of a man.
She's 40 he was 27, she loved him, he was too embarrassed to take her home to meet his folks. She controlled his outings and moments with friends.....
and she asked me my thoughts.....and out came the public speaker in me.

In a soft yet whirlwind of words, I brought her to a place where visually she stood in front of an ocean of torn relationships, with fragments of what was left in her hands and in her heart , like small treasures washed up on the sea shore. and I shared with her how Her future lies out there before her...in the depths of that ocean. where she can't see what's coming yet.
I told her that she could linger on the washed up beaches of her life and collect broken pieces of what she thought was valuable...or she could go out and swim, leaving those things behind. that she could swim and swim and swim alone..... that it would be the best for her...... and that time would wash away all that she toils with for the most part....and that when she was ready, she could dive deeper into her future and discover a world that was whole and in tact and destined, perfectly fit for her and all of her heart.
She said she's never been alone. I thought to myself , I've been alone in a marriage for 6 years and then he left and I was alone again.
Sometimes it's easier if your husband dies.....at least it's closure.... and you can move on at some point and close that book or chapter in your life....but when someone breaks your heart or severs your friendship...it lingers. they linger...even though they don't know it. but they visit your sleep, and your daydreams, their pictures are still there on your fridge.
We do have to realize , too, though, that autumn comes into our lives throughout the world's 4 seasons....and the events of our lives are like walking through a garden....and though there are people who linger or mean well...they are actually like weeds that choke out all the good stuff. and even though they may appear to be a beautiful flower or a familiar one in your life's garden.... what you don't see is how they choke the important things breathe the surface and we forget to put proper values on the things that matter most in life.
Those flowers that talk and whisper and suppose, and suggest things to you continuously....it's time to weed them out.... so that next time you walk among those beautiful people in your life, they'll just stare up at you and think you're beautiful...and they'll surround you, and look up to you and admire you. as much as you admire them, and being alone won't seem so lonely anymore. because you'll start to see you as who you were truly intended to be...You are beautiful.....and when the sun comes out and pushes your grey skies away....you'll see how beautiful you are and you'll look up like the the rest did to you. You'll value yourself in that Garden....and people will notice you for who your really are....
....the weeds will always grow there ....but they can't stay if you're there to pull them out of your life.

Kim called me today. She thanked me for the words I said. She said it was like pulling weeds from her heart...it hurt and was hard to hear...but it helped her heal an empty space and helped her to see herself in a different light.
Going to work won't be so awkward any more ........I'll have a new flower to look at everyday at shift change. You are beautiful Kim...and you are loved. genuinely loved!!