Bah Fucking Humbug!!

I remember , as a child, playing over and over, the song of Oscar the grouch saying how much "I hate Christmas!"

Now I am an adult and I can't stress it enough.

I do hate Christmas.

I enjoy it if it doesn't involve any particular pressured family activity, having to live up to my sister's ideas and plans every year of how it should be. It's always the way she wants it.

After 15 years of never having birthday remembered or acknowledged, mother's day never a big "to-do", anniversaries not matter and Valentines virtually non-existent....to have them suddenly appear on my calendar....I could care less.

My senses have been dulled to these manditory holidays.... and if I could just avoid the malls enough, I wouldn't have to see all the decorations for Thanksgiving, for Easter, for mother's day and father's day......and all the rest....

Just seeing them all reminds me of the feeling of an old boyfriend walking into the room with an New beautiful girlfriend.

And people wonder why I don't like to shop.

My sister says, ."....Well, I love Christmas."

Of course she does...it adds to her "perfect" life of getting flowers and cards, and having the perfect wedding, perfect husband, and having perfect teeth,being the perfect host, and having the perfect job, and the perfect Mother in Law, being the perfect daughter and the perfect dream life.....and always having on hand, the perfect bandaid for everything that goes wrong.....so it can be all better.

Watching and listening to her side of life is like standing in a room where your ex-boyfriend walks in with something always better, always wonderful, always perfect, and she smiles with her perfect teeth while you fade into the paint on the walls. He shows off without realizing you're there. His eyes are stuck on the sight of her....and so are yours....because the new girlfriend is so perfect.

You watch them laugh, and kiss, and you wish sometimes you could pluck your eyes out!...or theirs!

She doesn't know what I've experienced for 15 years regarding holidays.

She has no clue of the things I never told her.

She Loves Christmas........ Then she can have it! It will be perfect anyway.....even without me.

.......Cuz she'll have a band-aid for that too.

I'm slightly Scroogie....

But I Love lights, and candles , wreaths covered in snow, Pointsettias, Nutcracker statues, Silver reindeer, and peppermint candies by the bowlfull.

I will go tobagganing, and hicking through the woods hanging birdseed bagels for the birds on big red ribbons........

No Santa here.....

Just Scroogie and her family....opening stockings and floating in the hot pools at Radium.

Just before Christmas, I will buy myself an Oor Wullie or a Broons book and a gift certificate for Second Cup....The things that dad knew I loved, more than him getting me my white roller skates or my a.m. transistor radio.

Blessings

lately, people have walked through my door wishing to bless me.

Today for instance, I had a client come in telling me that she looked forward to getting her nails done simply for my encouraging hopeful words.

That blessed me beyond measure.

In a world where people don't care to listen....I loved listening to her today..

She has been through much struggle, we share a similar life pattern in some respects. I have been where she's been and she has walked my journey , too. It was great to connect on such a level of comparison while both of us trying to pull each other out of th pits we once stood in.

Nan, You blessed me today..

YOur stories always inspire me to beleive more. I am so glad you and I go to the same section of the library....I find remnants of you there all the time, leaving behind a book I should be reading.

Thanks again.

You made my day!

Justification

Aggghhhhh!!!

For how long will people justify everything.....if you are guilty of something....then admit to it and carry on, either repair the relationship or end it...

Why do you always have to go into a tug-o-war with "he said...She said" crap!!!!!

Good Lord, People. Set some boundaries, and live by them.

I don't want to hear your reasons...just walk it out. stay true to yourself and your values, and what you beleive in.

I don't care who said what about you....I'll listen if you need me too....

But if what they said wasn't true then move on and beleive the truth in your heart. Believe in yourself for once and become all that you were meant to be....

Don't let everyone else drag you down.

Only you can decide who you are.

Only you can create yourself...and only you can destroy yourself by believing what others think of you.

Believe in you!

Believe in what you know to be true of you!

Bullies Beware!

Bullies.

They're everywhere.

In your children's school,

in your workplace,

On TV, the internet,

even on your cell phone.

Who would've guessed they would be buddies with those who mean most to you.

they talk to you most evil,

But pleasant to their face.

They have the balls to bombard you on facebook,

but not to your face.

It's sad.

Too bad!

I don't care.....

because I have a zero tolerance policy.

i'm not mad....

just dissappointed.

Wishbones

As of late I seem to be in a bit of a tug of war.

Nothing major...

about as minor as two children pulling at a wish bone after thanksgiving dinner.

I am torn between two loves.

They call to me every day and at the same time.

I relish the time when my husband and

daughter are away.

then I have time to spend in the throes of the others....

The love of reading...

and the love of writing....

They call to me endlessly.

And their screams for my attention,

appear, in my mind,

to reach decibels that are unbearable...

seemingly, as soon as my family comes in the door,

or when supper needs to be prepared.

My library calls to me,

the echoes repeating the portions that resonate deep within me.

Today, I have chosen a date with writing.

Something I have not done nearly enough.

Today I write. I have the right to write.

My writing has won the wishbone pull. The tug of war with reading.

I will write and you can read.

Enjoy!

And remember to take time

to date

your other

"True Loves".

Renovations

Life has taken a new turn for us.

....trying to now begin some substantial reno to the house.

We're in the planning and pricing stages at the moment

and trying to map out our winter season.

The basement is a priority,

and a greenhouse for next spring...

We're hoping to move Bree to the basement so she'll have her own space

to escape from the parents....

Budgets are being plotted and planned,

Oh, where to begin,

and at what cost,

The condo went fabulously fast...for just a few surface changes...

This will be so much more rewarding!!!!

I can't wait to see what timmy pulls out of his magic construction hat this time!!!


We are hoping to have a completely new looking house only 3 Christmases from now.

I cannot wait! It is the perfect Gift!!!

Read The Disclaimer...I Said I Would Bark & Bite!

I

As of late,

I have come to appreciate a small group of friends....

and , Yes, literally, they and I have moved a lot of bodies...

Off their hospital beds, out of wheelchairs, off of gurneys going to and from the morgue.

A lot of my world has proven themselves fake. They say hi on facebook, or try to come visit but they don't,

They say they'll call but never will...

But I have come to expect it. it is their nature.

My husband wanted me to hopefully become best of friends with some of the women out in this neck of the woods...

but they all prefer home,

and to not chat on the phone,

or not go out for a coffee or ladies play dates..

they often admit to me, forthright,

that they are hermits and never go out.

Some of them make arrangements and then don't even show.

Their character and integrity have no standing with me.

It's hard to visit someone with 2 faces.

"yes, I'll see you at school when I go to volunteer!"

:Oh sure, that sounds good, Ill meet you in town at the coffee shop."

No cancellation,,,,

No Discretion,

No respect.

No effort to show face.

It goes both ways I'm afraid. I tried to invest in you, the gas, the time out of schedule, willing to create something new...

But I have already put you in the recycle pile...

useless but still worthy of being used some other way....but not by me...

That's too bad....

Id rather invest in those

who move their own bodies...

than hang out with a bunch of dead bodies.

Who endeavor to become more than they are.

Thanks Sarah, Kim, T, Ally, Cara, Jenny,Lisa, Tamie, Tanya.

you are the nine other fingers I needed to complete the two hands needed to shift the dead bodies aside....

I love you, adore you, and respect your solidarity,

How you never change.... and always make time for "the Girls",

despite, family, schedules, and everyday chaos!

Wanting Dad

It's been a year since Dad left home.

Lately while walking through the Home decor Stores,

I've seen many pictures of trees and mist.

I always stop and stare into the fog hoping to find Dad there.

He told me a long time ago that if he were to die,

he would wander away where no one could find him,

fall in the creek and float away.

It seems like yesterday when I talked to him on the phone.

I ssat in the yard this morning, staring at the mist in the forest below my house...

Hoping he would come out of it and visit me.

Maybe tonight,

after I fall asleep,

In my dreams...

I love you Dad.

Lofty Living

Cher Paints Nails

Up in the loft.

I am so excited to be here,

up and running,

making ladies pretty.

Today I had a client, who had daughters

who were really into the Disney Princesses.

You can immagine their eyes lit up

when their mother showed off her new

"Cinderella Sparkle"

Gel Tips.

Their mother was overjoyed.

I was over joyed.

My little loft is quite girly,

or starting to be...

I booked two more appointments today,

and Ally,

downstairs,

said 2 ladies came in last night to get my card.

This is going to be a good public service, this will be a popular loft,

I am becoming Cher Paints Nails

within this community!

I love it here!

And they will love me being here!!

A lofty living this will make...

of friends, clients, and many new faces.

Thanks Ally,

for giving me this break.

Your friendship has gone above and beyond!

A BIG THANKYOU

to everyone

who let me practice on them while

I was taking my schooling!

Among the Shadows

I spent my whole life until now within the walls of the church.

I don't regret leaving,

I am glad to have gone,

though, I find my relationships outside of church,

much more fulfilling as of late.

I have not renounced my faith at all,

but just question the actions and speech of others who profess the same as me,

often witnessing the hypocritical side of Chrisitanity.

I am embarrassed to call myself Christian.

I tell people, that I have faith in God, Pray and watch stuff happen.

That's it.

No religion, not set of rules or judgements...

It's become personal more than anything.

One thing I appreciate about the things I have learned, is the evidence of good and evil, of angelic forces and of the demonic.

It is clearly visible to me because I have seen it in my life often and when you expose yourself to learning of how these forces operate in everyday life, and see how others simply overlook it or do not beleive.....I must tell you that it is still there....

whether you choose to see it or not.

Plain and simple, like the shadow that follows you in the sunlight.

Since moving out here, I have seen it more than ever.

There is a spirit of peace on some folk that I have met,

but a particular group has shown me a spirit of division,

of anger,

of hatred.

Every morning when I skip rope and then walk the perimeter of my yard, I declare the boundaries within my reach and state that no evil force will negatively effect our lives,

will come in and attempt to deplete our relationship,

our household,

and our family of what it values.

I have spoken that no force will come over here and dictate to me "How things are done out here" and it is amazing the transformation that has occurred.

People phone now before they arrive, and when people need to get to parts of our land where they would normally go through our yard....they now use the fences outside of the perimeter of our yard....

Situations arose now where we don't need people to care for our pets and enter our home while we're away... the level of security has physically changed.

The forces have shown their rejection of me and who I am...but I have stood my ground and the negative issues keep their distance,

their comments cannot upset me,

and they are disturbed when my simple responses in kindness do not stir up a fight.

They simply get more frustrated that I won't stoop to their level of anger,

or control,

or loudness....

When they come here they try to control me or my husband,

but boundaries are quickly re itterated and they leave in defeat...

they have no clue the negative foces that control them,

that tell them they can manipulate,

control,

dictate,

force...

we do not value those things....

they come here and judge,

point fingers,

yell at whomever is available,

and we sit quiet and content... they respond with,

"well, don't you think you should do, or you should be....."

We do not need to control or dictate or rule,

we simply state the boundary and when it doesn't permit them to walk all over us,

they eventually leave...

Outside of my fence....things are simply not right....something is definitely weird,

or odd,

or distinctly evil,

controlling,

manipulative....

but I don't respond to their pressures...

thankfully they respond to my influences that strip them of their power.

I am thankful to have met a handful of virtuous people,

who are scincere,

who are genuine,

who do not judge,

who do not attempt to control me or others that come by here.

The declarations made around my property have kept the evil ones at bay....

my land has become a place surrounded by an army of angels, who can see the enemy from afar off and push them further back.

Their shadows no longer tread here.

For I have declared this land my land, set apart, and separate...

A city on a hill, for people to marvel at

and cause inner wonder...

They don't get it...

nor do I think they ever will.

Thanks "T",

for clarifying the things that I suspected,

thanks for reitterating what I beleived to be true without even telling you,

you saw it as well,

you sensed it...

But I live here now....and what we say goes.

This is how we do things out here.....

My Wedding Blues

My husband and I decided to elope.

We didn't want all the fuss of people telling us who to invite and where to host and all the crap that goes on with planning a wedding!

Well...turns out their all pissed anyway...

One portion of people have decided that we've screwed up somehow by not involving them in our lives.

Some are quite offended, few could care less..

We decided to marry for us...not for the enjoyment of the world.

But of the handful that we thought would be happy for us...

the party numbers had dwindled considerably.

We know that if we were to host something regardless, the party poopers would show up out of obligation and still be party poopers....

and if we decided to cut them from the list the fuss would just get worse.

So, alas,

I will not celebrate my wedding with you.

As much as I wanted everyone to meet everyone,

it is in your best interest not to.

Thanks for all your congratulations and for those who sent us the abundance of money gifts..

we love you and adore you and are glad you were able to celebrate with us in this manner!!!

It's not what I wanted but it will have to do.

We were hoping to introduce my world to his...

but instead,

my friends wil be mine

and his will belong to him.

I am greatful for the ones that still tag along in my life,

who are full

of discretion,

character,

integrity,

boldness,

love,

spirit,

honesty,

and faith,

with you, I celebrate in my heart.

The Garage

Today, Tim and I, moved over his tools from his dad's garage.

Finally ours is built and now organization can finally begin.

I was taken back to when my dad built his garage. we were so sad because we had lost our back yard...but dad now had a place to keep the cars out of the snow.

I spent a lot of time in dad's garage while he worked on his car. I love the smells of motor oil and such... the clanging of tools in his tool box and power that sounded from all of his equipment.

Tim enjoyed re-sorting his tool boxes, I re-marveled at my compound mitre saw and the brad nailer that tim bought me for mother's day, I bought him an even bigger nailer for father's day.

We thought it pretty cool thet we're both into tools.

Tim has a wet saw for tiles, and hopefully I will be able to score dad's router and drill press if mom will ever let me have them.

Next on the list of purchases is a table saw and a storage locker for all of my painting equipment and ladder systems.

While sorting things out, Miss American Pie came on the radio. I stopped, knowing that was mine and dad's song. It was released the year I was born.

I felt that dad had stopped by for a visit to see how things were going in the garage...

I was glad to have his presence there..

I hear that song nearly everyday....

I miss you dad.

Plain Jane Cruisin'

"Where are we going, Jane?"

I was driving to the city to pick up a few items for work.

I glanced in the mirror at the librarians in the rear seat.

They whispered to each other, peering at me and nodding.

"Are you speeding, Jane? You should slow down!"

" A sherriff might catch you when you least expect it!"

I glanced down at my spedometer and reduced the pressure on my foot pedal, setting the cruise control in place so I would behave.

The ladies in the rear seem to speak to me a lot more when I'm in the car.

They know I hate to drive.

"Jane, how long did you say you've been driving?"

"Two Years," I tell them.

Again they whisper, looking at me, scowling, as if unimpressed.

I wanted to pull over and let them out.

"Do you really think you should be speeding if you're just a new driver, Jane?"

I'm not a new driver.

I have driven since I was 10 years old till I was 14.

After that,

I chose not to drive,

I became a cyclist.

My father was a drunk.

I spent years behind the wheel, and further yet , behind my father as I reached over his shoulders to guide the steering wheel.

"Dad, It's just like coloring, Just stay inside the lines."

I reminded him of this every night on our way home from the city.

Still it makes me sick to my stomach.

I couldn't sleep for many nights during those young years...

re-living the pictures in my mind of other drivers we nearly hit,

and deer that ran in front or near the car

...and I was no where near the brakes.

I used to teach pre school...

and parents would tell their children to color within the lines...

Instantly I was taken back to driving dad's car at age 10.

I hated that....

I go to my art class and the other artists there ask me how I manage to paint without a picture to guide me.....

I tell them, "Just stay outside the lines."

I hate driving at night

....because all I see are those lines and the lights coming towards me.

"Jane, That's not where you put your hands on the wheel."

"Jane, use your mirrors more!"

The constant badgering reminds me of telling dad what to do...never once realizing how much pressure was on the gas.

I'm content with the cruise control set to a safe, and guidelined speed.

Now I wish those women would just be quiet!

But I hold my tongue and speak in my head to myself,

"Just shut up and Drive, Jane...

Just shut up and drive."

By Association Only

I write by association..

I see reflection of myself in anything,

like the mirrored pillars at the mall.

Sometimes we do not like what we see,

as it reminds us of a part of us that we used to fight with or be fearful of.

More than anything it's the feelings I associate with those things.

Knowing full well that they are my feelings and not because of the other person place or situation

They are only connected through the association of that memory.

My feelings are my own. If I am happy it is because I choose it,

same with being angry ,

mad,

or even offended. they are my feelings, not anyone else's..

Nor is anyone to blame for how I feel. I choose to be frustrated, I choose to be angry, I choose the dirupted feelings...

No one else is to blame for it.

A lot of people will not travel your journey, or get to knwo you, But first impressions will determine a lot of things.

You are not to blame for how that will make me feel, or react...

those are my choices.

Nor do I care how you walk your walk or talk your talk..

but when it reminds me of me,

or a portion of who I am or who I was...

it has no bearing on you...

My feelings and emotions redirect me ...

back to me...

happy or sad....

dissapointed or mad....

Like watching a movie that makes us cry or brings us fears relived...

that's what it's like to Associate...

to write by association,

things inside of me get stirred up and take me back to a movie in my mind of some part of my life,

and for a moment I relive it.

sometimes, sadly, or gladly, sometimes nervously, or even uncomfortably.

I have a right to my feelings, and associations. they are not blame or pointing fingers. I know full well that pointing one forward means three fingers point back at me..

and that is how I write...

by assoiciation...

referencing the three pointing at me...

Me, Myself, And I.

Remember that parts of who you are ,

can be a mirror of someone else who walks into your life,

you cannot change them or judge them....

you can only change yourself.

You can't control what they say or do...but you can change how you feel.

Your feelings are yours, and not the result of someone else.

if you cannot change your feelings. then only you are responsible.

picasso brain

My day sometimes feels like like I have too much going on and I cannot compute.

Like picasso brain, placing things here and there

....where things do not belong.

I frustrate myself with the ability of trying to figure out where I put something,

mid-transit, while disturbed by something else out of place.

My schedule has been bombarded with appointments.

The only order in my life as of late....

Not sure how this happened after the last 10 years of order that I demanded from myself.

The abrupt changes of being mom and wife, full time, have ultimately put me in a tail spin.

Culture shock!

Like being in a japanese airport and I cannot read the signs.

I stand in my kitchen staring...

at nothing,

trying to retrace my steps,

wishing there were an attendant to help me at times.

I go for the coffee that's been beeping at me for the last hour,

since reheating it in the microwave.

I give it another 30 seconds in the "ZAP".

I'll probably collect it in another 30 minutes.

Tomorrow is saturday.

No appointments...

...Just rain and snow...(In June?)

and laundry and cleaning, and sorting out my closet.

Bringing order until monday when it all begins again, and like Picasso, paint a new picture of home life,

Still Life,

My life....

And what will come of next week.

I had best check my schedule.

Jekyl & Hyde

A good friend once told me of the "Jekyl & Hyde" transformation on my life.

She stated it was such a difference from the person she met when I was first married.

I was such a bitch to my husband, a retrictive mother to my little daughter.

I nagged,

I swore,

I told him what to do all the time,

I told him what to wear,

and I de-masculated him in front of everyone.

I had no regard at all.

No respect for him.

I never let him go anywhere and if he did I didn't let him go very long.

I never let my child be curious and learn of the things exposed to other people's lives.

I always said no and she listened without fighting back.

Well My husband one day walked out...

Dissappeared...

After nine months I found him living with another woman.

My daughter is reaching her teens and my restrictiveness has made her lazy and sometimes forgetful...becuase I always took care of whatever in the end....

I took for granted the things that were closest to me....

And somehow I lost them.

Yesterday I saw my old self again...But it wasn't me...It was a woman who stopped by my house.

She never let her children be curious in my house,

She looked so uncomfortable here.

Her children would ask me a question and their mother would immediately snap a "No" at them.

I ultimately let her have the final say for them...as I did years ago.

Then when the men came in, she yelled at her husband about his clothing.. and when he commented she just shut him down and told him to say thankyou...

He immediately followed suit, making her big large tall husband look like one of her cowering children.

I felt sorry for him...and my husband shivered at his friend's reaction.

The stay lasted 20 minutes...and I was glad...becuase I did not like hosting my old self.

Her demeanor makes her a bitter, angry woman...

The first rule, hanging on the wall in my house ,when you walk in the door says, "Absolutley No Naggin'"

The bible says: "Better to live on a corner of a rooftop than to live with a quarrelsome wife."

It also says, " A contentious woman is like a dripping faucet."

I will be the first to say that the old me was a dripping faucet, a wailing window, a clanging pipe, and a bad refrigerator motor.

There is a famous writing that speaks of how to be a virtuous woman....

She is far from perfection, but she shows regard for her husband & her family, and through it all, ultimately for herself by acting so.

It Speaks as follows,

"A wife of noble character, who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good and not harm, all the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax and works hard with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is dark, and prepares food for her family

and portions for those her bless her.

She considers opportunities and purchases them,

out of her earnings, she produces more.

She sets out her work vigorously; her arms strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable and her lamp does not go out at night.

She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hand to the needy, When it snows, she has no fear for her family, for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for their beds, and she is clothed as royalty.

Her husband is deeply repected in the city where he takes his seat among leaders of the land.

She maken linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with supplies.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at days to come.

She speaks with wisdom, and faithful, but gentle, wisdom is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise and call her blessed,

Her Husband also, and he praises her saying,

"Many women do noble things, but you have surpassd them all."

Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise where ever she goes."

Years ago,

I saw how different I was from this writing,

my husband did not praise me,

because I did not bring him respect,

I only yelled,and argued,

I was bitter, and unthankful,

disrepectful and terribly bitchy!!!

My visitor did not even congradulate us on our wedding, or on anything else.

She was so focused on herself that she could not see past the Chaos of her own thinking.

I know this because I was her long ago...

But that's okay...her husband made up for her, with many thanks, and a handshake, and for a few gifts that we had passed onto them.

Someday...she'll hopefully see what she takes for granted.

I'm glad the old Cheryle no longer exists...but I'm sad to see the Jekyl & Hyde appearance that present itself in those we meet.

The antidote is out there.

But it's deep within ourselves...

and only we can find it

...no one else.

A Prickly Guest

I saw a wedding today.

Deep in the woods near here.

The bride wore Cream,

her groom in blue jeans,

a small gathering of love.

They married in the trees,

petals lined a path through their tiny forest.

Chiffon fastened groups of flowers to the trees that surrounded them.

I heard music in the background.

It was distant, but pretty.

But in the middle of all the fuss of the day,

an unexpected guest arrived.

He was fat,

oblivious to the events going on nearby.

He stumbled in...

Obtrusive,

Prickly,

...But oh, so cute!

It was a porcupine...

Suddenly the groom made a noise....

and he looked up, realizing he had intruded.

He quickly backed away and ran up a tree.

I bet the view from there was very beautiful.

Too bad he didn't have the camera.

Pearls

Forever, I have always thought,

that Jackie Onasis was the most beautiful woman in the world.

I think I have narrowed it down, finally, as to why.

It's that string of pearls she always wore.

Classic,

Beautiful,

Earthy,

Fresh.

I found a set with matching earrings at a garage sale.

Despite the fear we have of germs these days,

when no one was looking,

I rubbed the string of pearls on my teeth.

The gritty, sandy feel of them would tell me if they were real or not.

They we're.

And the owner had no idea.

The earrings, too, were the real thing.

He had them listed at $2.

I gave him $20 and told him to keep the change.

He looked at me funny, pausing...then asked me , "are you sure?"

I smiled and said...."These are the real thing, you know! It would cost me over a hundred to buy these at Birks. Thanks again!"

I walked away and got in my car.

I wonder if His wife had died...if maybe if she wore them at their wedding?

.... Or if she wore them all the time like Jackie O?

I love them.

Simplistic.

Elegant.

Romantic.

Priceless.

They make me feel like royalty when I wear them.

Like a Kennedy.

Jackie Onasis-Kennedy.

I will be as pretty as her wearing my pearls.

The Stuff We Carry

Today my shoulders hurt...

much like when I had injured myself at work and had to go for an MRI,

that would possibly show a torn rotator cuff.

The MRI only revealed mild arthritis in the joint and an inflamed Bursa due to my fall.

My shoulder hurts like that again...but it's the other one this time.

I've been reading a small purse book by Louise Hay, called,

"You Can Heal Your Body"

I like it because I believe certain feelings and emotions

can cause illnesses in our bodies when held onto for long periods of time.

I am guilty when I speak of thewse things.

I know that my issues of being overweight stem from feeling unloved.

I never suffered being overweight until I married my first husband...

and right from the start I had severe insecurities about him.

My relationship now has proven how feeling loved can help dissipate being overweight.

I have dropped a dress size already recently and feel much better about myself.

Today my purse feels heavy no matter which shoulder I switch it to.

Louise Hay speaks of how arthritis in the body is usually from relationships not healed...and in the shoulders, representing resentment towards someone.

I know who that someone is...and I know it is the first step to my healing.

That person has left my life and I do not want her back.

I love her and miss her...but could not commit to the complexities of her life a second time around.

I know the resentments that I have felt...but my healing will come when I just let her go.

I have a deep affection for her friendship and if I won the lottery,

I would try only once to meet with her to give her a portion to share with her family.

....no questions asked, no relationship required.

Just a cheque signed out of love...and time invested worthily.

In my head,

I have a million dollars divied up for 10 friends.

All appropriated where I feel it has to go.

Kim, Sarah, Debbie, Janwarta, Stacey,

Lisa, Sherboo, Al, Ed, Gerry.

Despite the things we carry in our purses,

our breifcases,

our memory,

or our hearts...

the heavy things,

the burdensome things....

Money never ever seems to be that heavy.

....no matter how many coins hang at the bottom of the pouch.

It lifts,

it frees,

it brings a smile to our faces,

a little joy to our pocketbooks

and a little rest at the bank.

Somtimes the scars we wear of relationships still show,

and as time tries to fade them away...

they're still there.

....Or at least we know they are somewhere...

and we remember the stories that go with them.

regret causes them to stay visible,

anger and resentment re-open them.

The bible speaks of not letting the sun go down on your anger.

Bitterness and envy make you an ugly person.

I used to be that person a long time ago.

I know full well.

Today, my inner load seems lighter

...in my mind and in my heart,

My outer load,

namely my purse and my shopping....

well, that's another story.

One day I believe my cheque book will be heavier,

I will lighten it by handing some out to those 10 friends...

J....

you will only see me once more when that day comes..

I've seen things I've said come to pass over and over...

this one will too.

I know it full well.

Because I know your faith.....

Until then......

Simply Wed

I'm looking for a barn to host a wedding in....

I may have to opt for Tim's Garage.....

I saw this picture in a magazine long ago and kept it forever telling myself someday I would marry in the country.

The barn was strewn with tables draped in chocolate, gold organza dressed each chair. each centrepiece was a candle wrapped in wheat sheaves.....it was beautiful.

A setting for 30 guests and a head table for two in the middle.

This is what I had wanted......for so many years...

A wedding reception that would put all others to shame.....

Setting up bar in a horses stall and billowing muslin curtains that welcomed you into the simple beauty of country life.

Twinkle lights to line the trees in the yard........ and a cake with antique photos floating above hung on ribbon.

Someday it will all come to pass and people will leave with the memory of our day.

I can't wait to invite you all there!

Watch the mail for our announcement!

Past in the Present

My supplies for scrapbooking arrived in the mail yesterday.

An array of books meant for mothers.

And sisters.

Well...I only have one sister.

But I will send one to my Mother and my Mother-in-law, my British mother, and my sister, Leslie.

I am hoping to antique them...to make them like a love story.

Turn emails into hand written letters that have faded over time tucked into their torn envelopes and tied with ribbon.

I cannot wait for the pictures to be taken and then to arrive.

To be pasted and then wrapped...

and then to see the looks upon their faces when they're opened...

a gift of the present made to look like the past.

I cannot wait for them to look and remember and wish they had been there so long ago...yet so soon.

Am I Forgetting Something?

Today I am surrounded by wedding stuff....flowers and hair combs, craft wire...attempting to make something pretty for my hair.

And I think of my friend who is no longer with me.

She would've stood beside me wide eyed and so excited.....

but instead she will not even hear of the day....

My dad is gone too...

He won't walk me down the aisle...

Instead Tim and I will walk together...having done this before..yet knowing this time..it is for the right reasons...

The people who matter will be present....the ones, too distant, cannot....

the people who have overlooked us will not.

I can smell the antique Roses, the Verbilium, the Astroemeria....I look forward to putting them in my hair.

My dress needs to be taken in about an inch or so...

I'll need to buy an umbrella.....for good luck.

Don't forget the rings...

and the vows....and Tim's Cowboy Hat.

I wish you could be there......but you've made other arrangements that cannot be turned around.

Soon I will become Mrs. Newsome.....and you will have missed it.

But I will remember...

remember back to when you would have been there...and what a great time it would have been.

I wish I could bring it all back....

but instead I will settle for just missing something......forgetting something.....and moving on...

Happily Ever After.

The BIg Day!

"When's the big day?"

Thay all ask, either in passing or on facebook.

Not once have they called to see how I am or just do coffee.

People today are so retarded...either engrossed by their TV, their Blackberry, or some catalogue that they will never buy from, they forget the people that may mean the most to them....

They won't notice them in the walmart checkout.

They'll send them a link to a website with never a message attatched, but never chat over tea face to face.

Husbands will force their girls to get together just so they can have some guy time...that's sad....

I'd let mine hang out with the boys anytime...He doesn't need my permission.

I'm not his nag...I'm his partner.

which poses another question..."why do you always bitch at your husband while everyone else is around? " God it makes you ugly.

Who cares when "the big day" is.

Don't you know that every day is a big day when you're part of it? every single day??

Why do you take so much of your life for granted?

Just once in a while I wish people would lose all they hold dear to them so they could realize the value of a good old chat on the phone or a hot cup of coffee with company.

Like Stampede Princesses on parade with your manes flowing and your hooves all groomed.

thinking your perfect life is all that and a big bag of hay.

Get off your high horses ladies......cuz it really hurts when you fall off.

Today's the big day...if you think about it...because you woke up alive, your husband still there beside you and your children hungry for breakfast.

Today is a very big day!

Smells Like Snow

Often I have stared in wonder,

at the beauty of a blanket of snow over the distant farmland.

Hoar frost on the trees bring new life to the dead, brown colored season

...like dressing for a wedding...

where everyone wears white in celebration.

Today is April 30th,

A day where we would celebrate the birthdays of Uncle Bobby and Grandma Allison.

Most of my world has been anticipating Spring...

but the weather peeks in with a warm day once in a while tempting us with the warm desires of summer,

and wearing almost less than a layer of clothing..

but alas...

We suffer the pain of more snow,

of grueling winds of the Alberta Foothills.

And another blanket to be worn upon the earth for just a bit longer.

I think that is what I will do this weekend...

Cover up and stay warm with my new Hudson's Bay Blanket.

I will watch the snow fall and dream of a wedding...

My wedding.

Office Day

After efficiently cleaning my house today I have decided to sit in office. My desk is laden with my laptop, and scribbler, drawing pencils and sketchpad. Today I am giving myself an office day and after that...the office day will turn into a regualr scheduled Office Hour. (Maybe two.) I need to finish the Red Door Diaries. A book I have been longing to publish for years. I have left my audience that currently awaits it's reveal. I need to finish it...I need to finish it for Jim and for Karen...I dedicated the book to them in memory of their time served with us at the Rock. I also need it for my family; Sherbo and Gerry, Ed and a few others significant to the part.

My other office hour will be dedicated to Plain Jane Beautiful...I am stocked with books in order to assist me in bringing her to life in pictures through a graphic novel. I have encouraging mentors like Graham and Mike. I can't wait o meet her once she's found her way into picture format. President Obama and his wife made 2.8 million dollars last year alone just by publishing two books.....I have 2 books sitting here in front of me and they need time, and dedication.....daily.

My favorite Author, Julia Cameron, says to do morning pages every day......3 pages of full scap's worth. She says it will amaze you on how much work actually gets done within a week. I guess that's how authors like Nora Roberts puts out novels like pushing a bowel movement. Poor choice of comparison...but man, she's fast....and it flows out of her fingers like she the computer's massage therapist.

I know that my typing skills could use some work. I can't do it as good as some because I stare at the key board half-heartedly while the words salivate in my mouth as I think them.

I will shut the world off and write and get my work done so that everyone who anxiously awaits it can get their hands on a book.

And Jane will someday sit on Graham's coffee table and will inspire girls everywhere to be more than what lies on the surface of their skin.

Today I will work hard....I have been given the rare opportunity to fulfill all that I have wanted to do. stay home and write, create, be inspired and produce great things. To inspire others and bring hope to those who open my writings and embrace them....

preparations

Preparations are a big thing sometimes. I am in the midst of planning a wedding, planning the landscaping of my yard. and planning our financial future....

I'm also planning how to best effectively lose weight before the wedding, how to even out the farmer's tan on my arms and what to do with my hair come wedding day....

Planning my next trip to England has been especially hard for me....especially after losing my dad.... I wish he were still here, but he had to go...had stuff to do....he always hated waiting for the rest of us...no matter what.

But I need to go to England...to see King George......My long distance dad. I never knew how much he meant to me until 5 years ago when Mum Rowe told me how much I meant to Him..and then revealing a cupboard filled with treasures he stockpiled for me consisting of lemon squash, chocolate penguins and a tiny jar of peanut butter, andtelling me "Peter absolutely adores you Cheryle".

I miss them both like crazy. I feel so fortunate to have been able to visit them as many times as I have.

Right now flights return are only $972 with everything included.

I hope to Bring my Timmy and Bree.....so everyone can finally meet. I miss being there so much, in ST. Ives....My home away from home.

I was sifting through my many years worth of photos thinking I need to scrapbook it all soon. I have saved, ticket stubs and pamphlets, rail passes and other tokens of my memories there....

How fun would it be to compile it all in a book for years down the road when both King George and Mum Rowe have passed on.

I will visit them within the next year....I will promise myself that much!!! Hopefully in the spring or early summer .....when the weather is still very beautiful along the coast.

King George will pick me up at the train and I will most likely, get into the car on the wrong side again.

...and yet again, once more, I will sit on the shore cliffs of Porthminster Beach and look for Canada's Eastern Shore.

"I'm almost there, King George! Watch for me!! I'm just across the water!!!"

basement renos

Oh...

there is so much to fix up here because the previous owner decided he was going to be not so fabulous with his reno efforts.

So Tim & I are left to our own devices to try and fix the mess. .....

For the most part, so far.......we have decided to paint. This will hide a majority of the flaws but for now...it makes the room more warm and welcoming.

We'll have to re-adjust a few door frames so that we can put proper trim on everything...

The two back bedrooms will be torn apart to re-insulate and to re-drywall.

Bree is looking forward to moving down there.....and I am looking forward to decorating a guest bedroom.

I have recently fallen in love with the Cabella's catalogue....there home edition is nice because it is full of cabin decor.

I am hoping to go with a Canadian log cabin feel.

With panelling running sideways on the wall to give it that whitewashed cabin look.

I have had my eye on a red wool blanket at Hudson's bay in Banff, and I want to make a head board out of Red patterened Tiolle and birch trees towering over the head of the bed....I saw it all in a Canadian House & Home magazine and It looked so dreamy.... I've enclosed a photo of it above. We've decided to do the basement first...so we'll have a completed livable space when we decide to renovate the upper floor.

anyway have a look see at the photos. the basement and the red bedroom.

Mind the bear. He's a little off kilter and needs some re-adjustment....Tim has a deer mount still at the taxidermist...hopefully it will return home soon. And cabellas sells a nice beaver pelt stretched out on a frame....

cuttlebug crazy

Okay thanks to Tamie, I am now dreaming of a cuttlebug...even to the point where I have bid on one through ebay. I spent ages looking through the vast templates available through ebay...My sister and I are both anticipating the arrival of a cuttle bug to further our paper addictions and to push us through to new creative efforts.

I'm quite amazed at my sister , really....she has never been very creative and for once I think she will develop quite a creative niche for herself....

Yesterday I made a couple of new cards with my stamp sets from Stampin' up...I'm hoping to get a summer job so I can host my addiction for the stuff. Next year I am hoping to buy the "Big Shot" die cutter and all of it's parts....then I will be able to do anything!!!!!!!

Until until then...my mediocre cards will have to suffice.... Mine are still not as beautiful as Lisa's or Tamie's but someday....they will be.

enclosed are a couple samples of my work

Fake Believe

I live in a world where we all pretend.

I say she's my friend...

but she's not.

She chose to walk away.

Another says that my friendship means so much to her and that she's so glad to have me in her life.

but she never calls or meets for coffee.

Years ago my life was a mess, in shambles and shattered...and yes, I was sad, yes,I tried to reach out...

but no one followed through.

They all wished me well or patted me on the back.

They meant well.

I believed them for a time but they never returned.

........they were all fake believe!

Today I ran into a friend of mine who I had not seen since just after my husband left our home.

He told me that he had never forgotten that day that he walked away.

Being such a good friend for so long after high school and then walked away in the midst of adult crisis....

and forever regretted it.

Today he apologised for walking away.

It made me cry.

For a few moments I was transported back to that day when he walked away from someone who needed a friend.

For so long, friends just appeared to be fake believe....

Time goes by and so much of life just seems to disappear...

It's all make believe.

Fake believe.

Some days I will listen to people and smile...knowing that their talk is cheap.

Fake believe..

I used to believe....

in friends,

in authentic relationship,

But time takes over,

and so does distance,

and fleeting words and feelings just disappear as vapour.

I used to play make believe.....

but now live surrounded by those who play

"Fake -Believe"